DETERMINATION

Hey guys, it’s  finally Friday which also means it’s my husband’s 30th Birthday weekend. Eeeeekkkk! I still can’t believe he’s turning the big 3 0 on Sunday/ Monday. His actual birthday is on Sunday, but his ID and the date everyone else knows is Monday, ha ha. Long story! This week I’ve been pondering on the message preached by Bishop Mosa Sona this past Sunday at church. The message was titled : Determination, I was practically on my feet screaming AMEN from start to finish. The core of the message really resonated with me. So to summarize it into one sentence; as children of God we have to get to the point were we’ve conditioned in our hearts and made up in our minds that the promises of God are for us and we will see come to pass. So for me the message really hit home for one area in my life, that being my health.

For those of you don’t know , I’ve been on antidepressants now since 8 weeks post-partum. Kwando is gonna be 3 in October so you can do the math, because it really isn’t my strongest point. The tablets were prescribed for anxiety, which started early January 2013. To cut a long story short, it really came out of nowhere, like the one day I was completely  fine and the very next day whilst watching movies with my hubby ( then fiance’ ) and  sister I started hyperventilating like crazy, not knowing that I was having a full-blown panic attack. I thought I was either going to meet Jesus right then and there, or just pass out. I could hardly breathe, heavily breathing and gasping desperately for air. Next day I was rushed  to the ER and fast forward a few years later and I’m on what they call chronic medication, BUT not for long honey ( that’s the determination talking).

It’s honestly the worst feeling, I’ve had some really lonely moments, felt very misunderstood, and I think the worst of the lot has been the side effects of the meds taking over your body. I’ve had VERY low moments on this journey, some days I’m prayerfully aggressive about coming off the meds, I could recite and declare every scripture on healing, even partake of Holy Communion believing that I’ve received my healing.  Then some days I just cry asking God to just heal me, or just have a pity party in my husband’s arms. I’ve had so many moments of belittling myself, being hard on myself, not understanding why I can’t just snap out of these negative thoughts, because every doctor I’ve seen just seems to reiterate the same thing ” It’s all in the mind”.  The worst feeling has to be the guilt of putting your loved ones through so much emotional torment. I think it affected my mom quite heavily during the time she came to see me. I remember having a really massive panic attack in front of her, with tears rolling down her face she just kept praying and praying.

Unfortunately I can’t go into more detail, because  I’m rather pressed for time. The point of this story is that I’m choosing what God has already said about my situation. No matter how dark the road looks, no matter how long it takes , no matter how many times the devil tries to torment me, no matter how many times I have to pray, I AM CHOOSING GOD’S OPINION AND WORD. I’m learning once again how to rest in the finished works of Christ, just by receiving it all.

This power suit is defs a firm favourite of mine, although I normally wear separate pieces of the suit at a time. This hue! I wish I could find more clothing items in this dark emerald green. I paired it with a printed cloth that I bought in Mozambique a few years ago. I just put the cloth over my boobies, twisted it over in the middle, then asked my helpful assistant ( husband) to just pin it down for me. I know I’m not wearing any shoes in this shoot, but it works right? My aim this year is to try support local brands/ designers, so I’m currently saving up for that which is why I’ve been such a repeat offender of late. I won’t lie local is lekker, but s darn expensive. I guess you have to pay for quality!  Also guys, Connie Transform lippie is a must try, please check out her page on Instagram. Her lippies are absolute quality and really long-lasting, I’m quite impressed. Please go support a sister,giving us a proudly South African beauty product that gives Mac a run for their money!

Have a lovely weekend!

Don’t forget to leave a comment, I really enjoy reading them and I promise I do respond.

xx

WOOLWORTHS STUDIO. W suit | CONNIE TRANSFORM lippie | MISS RETRO wig

Photography by Mikayla Birkholtz