3 Tips on how to grow a stronger bond with your child

 

Motherhood………………..  Literally the most life changing thing, it’s challenging, fulfilling, exhausting, exciting and rewarding all in one. Motherhood really throws you in the deep end, and your life jacket is God, close friends, supportive family members, sometimes even strangers that you troll on social media and of course Google. It would be amazing if children came with a written manual, but then again we’d be raising robots and not humans, so scrap that idea! As crazy as motherhood has been, it’s truly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, which is a little confusing as to why it’s taken me so long to blog about it. I think it may have a little to do with fear of coming across as an “expert mom” or seeming like I have this whole thing figured out, cause I really don’t. Three years of being a mom definitely doesn’t make me an expert, but I do believe I qualify for putting my two cents out there on a few tricks I’ve gathered in the short years of being a mom.

A little disclaimer: A perfect mom doesn’t exist, so please take all my advice with a pinch of salt and also keep in mind this is a personalised story, so a one size fits all approach won’t yield favourable results. Motherhood is a journey, not a sprint race and so with that understanding, I’ve come to accept that as your child/children are evolving so are you. As daunting as that may sound, I choose to see it in a positive light believing that God graciously gave us time to learn and become wiser with our actions and words. Hopefully my journey on how I’ve  been able to cultivate a stronger bond with my son we’ll be of great value to you. If not, at least admire the cutie that I get to call my son!

Love language

This first point stems from a podcast by Dr Gary Chapman that my husband and I listened to whilst we were still dating, I can’t quite remember which year it was, but I’m sure it had a lot to do with premarital suggestions at the time. If you’ve never heard of the book ‘The Five Love Languages’, in a nutshell the book shares practical tools on how to effectively communicate love to your partner through what Dr Chapman terms the  ” The Five Love Languages”. The five love languages are categorised as follows:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Receiving of gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch.

How it works: One of the five love languages mentioned above is the primary love language of your child/ children. For example, my child’s primary love language is quality time and overtime I noticed how important it was for Kwando to have my undivided attention, expecting me to be fully engaged and attentive to his every need. Kwando would even go as far as shoving the laptop off my lap or even grabbing my phone out of my hands, and with an accomplished voice he’d then say “Mommy let’s go play outside”. I now know to interpret that as cry for ‘Kwando and mommy time’, I don’t always get it right, but I try and drop whatever it is I’m doing to spend a few minutes engaging with him when I can. I’m also still trying to master the art of not working in front of him, because I understand that it sets a poor example and overtime he’ll be likely to associate mom with work, rather than what’s important which is him. It’s definitely not the message I’d like to put across, so I’m actively trying to rectify this. Since applying the theory of the ‘Five love languages’ on Kwando  I’ve come to dispel the notion of my son not being an affectionate child. I discovered that in fact he is, if he’s affirmed. An affirmed Kwando leads to him being very forthcoming with physical display of affection, he’ll even lean over to hug me and shower me with kisses at times. I also picked up on words of  affirmation through him saying, “Mommy look, I did it” and more often than not he’ll be awaiting a response, acknowledgement or  an applause. Sometimes he’ll even affirm me saying “Good job mommy” which always leaves me in stitches. Yes, of course I did consider receiving of gifts as a contender for the primary love language, because my child loves new toys, but I took it more as a general toddler phase. I’m not ruling it out completely, but for now I believe his top two are the ones mentioned above. For those that might not be avid readers, you can just use my outline above and take time this month to assess your child/ children’s love language. You’ll be amazed at the difference it will make in your approach to parenting and it will also help you become more aware of how well your child receives love when communicated effectively.

 

Boundaries

I’m sure you’re wondering what boundaries has to do with growing a stronger bond with a child?! Once again this concept comes from a book that I honestly can’t recommend enough, called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and  John Townsend. I started off reading the general overview of boundaries version ( family, children, spouse, work,your self and even God) , and about two years later I bought the version that deals solely with boundaries in marriage. This book is a serious game changer, it’s really helped me to view all my relationships in a different light and since then the approach I have towards my relationships has been very different. I began to take accountability for my actions and it also helped to curb the victim mentality that easily crops up when you’ve been wronged by people close to you. Boundaries are often viewed in quite a negative light, but this book will dispel all of the common boundary myths. In short, boundaries help to teach you when to say to say yes and how to say no. The concept of introducing boundaries into my parenting style has really helped me to tackle parenting with more confidence and at times helped take away the guilt we sometimes feel when we say no as parents. Boundaries in parenting are so vital because they help create a healthy environment for a child, which is breeding ground for ensuring they make healthy choices for their lives. From a young age your child/ children can learn to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes and emotions.

“Boundaries will help to instil the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.  You will learn how to:

• Set limits and still be a loving parent.
• Bring control to a chaotic family life.
• Define age-appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids. “

For example understanding how to apply boundaries has helped how I discipline Kwando. I’ve learnt how to set limits on bad behaviour and I’ve learnt how to effectively communicate the consequences if he crosses that boundary. This book also taught me  how to approach discipline in a more loving manner. I’ve learnt how not to get so caught up in the disciplinary mode that I forget to show Kwando love and affectionate. It’s important that my child knows how loved he is at all times, even when he’s in the wrong. I’d love to say I’m amazing at this, but the truth is I’ve failed at this a 1000 times over already.

Quality > Quantity

In the times were living in where everything under the sun is demanding of our time and attention, we sometimes find ourselves squeezing in a few minutes each day to spend with the kids or just barely getting through the everyday routine. If you’re like me and have dealt with a bit of “mom guilt” with regards to this, I’d like to encourage you not to be so hard on yourself. My number one rule in this area is not to make promises that I can’t keep. The idea of over-promising and under delievering will leave a bitter taste in your child/ children’s mouth and create a trail of untrustworthiness that in truth was unneccessary to begin with. My take on this has been to jump in on  the activity at hand ( playing soccer outside, playing with cars) or even if it’s watching his favourite TV show, I’ll choose to sing along or dance with him, and even ask questions about the characters so that he feels that I’m fully engaged. Children are very forgiving and to be honest simpler then we make them out to be, so don’t over complicate things thinking you need to overcompensate by spoiling them with expensive toys. Create a tent using the cushions on your couch and take an ordinary sheet to make the shape, switch of all the lights and use a torch to read their favourite book. . This will probably take around 10 to 15 minutes of your time, but it’s how you did it that mattered. To your child you communicated love, effort and importance, and like Kwando’s paediatrician likes to say” Children may be small in size, but they are very smart”. This year I’ve committed to turning the small things into big things e.g. Turning an ice-cream run into a fun filled activity. You have quite a few opportunities in a day to make it count, remember the school drop off and pick up can be a fun trip if you make it, create an album of all their favourite songs and put the volume on high and sing your hearts out. The simplest idea is, as a family you could choose not to eat dinner in front of the TV and use that time to engage in quality conversation. Time is not always the problem, it’s what you do with the little you have with your kids that matters. Remember there are a lot of parents out there that have more free hours than you, but still choose not to spend quality time with their kids. When you create the gap, make it count!

 

P.s. for all the mamas out there that have yoghurt loving children please give the new Clover Nutrikids yoghurts a try. Clover released a new range of products for toddlers called Nutrikids. To have a look at the product range click here   http://www.clover.co.za/category/136/nutrikids

I’m seriously so impressed with the packaging of the yoghurt tray, they’ve made the carton slim lined with an easier grip for toddlers which means no more spillage……Hallelujah! Flavours are a thumbs up from my toddler, so I’m sure yours will love them too. Please drop me a message and let me know if you’ve tried any of them!

xx

 

Photography by Mikayla Birkholtz https://www.mixtakespics.com/

Toddler: H&M T-shirt | Little Birds shorts | Cotton Kids sneakers & socks

Mom: Forever 21 denim shirt | Topshop  mini skirt | Nike sneakers | Sister Bozza earrings